My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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