I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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