She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Randomize
