I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
