no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
