You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Randomize
