he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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