Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
