my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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