my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Found the puke drawer
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
