I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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