ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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