I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
