Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
