I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Holy shit dude........stairs
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
