We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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