believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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