I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
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