I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
