Jerry, you need to find god
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
