You left your underwear on the fireplace
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
