I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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