y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
