It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Terrible idea I love it
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
