You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
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