im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Randomize
