just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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