mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
