He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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