We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
