I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Randomize