I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
