The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
