This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
