I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Randomize
