I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
