I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
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