Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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