I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
one two three fourrrrnication!
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
