ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Randomize
