Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
