I'd wear matching sweaters with you
so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Why did my mother make you get naked?
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
