I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I party with great urgency now.
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