I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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