What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
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