It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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