is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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