Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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