My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
