i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
My bed smells like the plague
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
