Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
