Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Drake has all the answers
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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