You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
No subtext here. People are naked.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize
