She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize