Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
