i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
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