Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I lost the right to judge tonight
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Randomize
