Your face is a jimmy john
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
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