I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
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