I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
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