My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize