He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
