I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
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