After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
